First Lead Yourself, Then Lead Others

In a final coaching session recently, a client was reflecting on the work we had done together.

"I used to think that I couldn't have hard conversations," she said. "But now I know that I just wouldn't. I didn't want to talk about hard things with people at work because it made me uncomfortable."

She paused before continuing, "I've learned that sometimes you have to lead within yourself before you can lead outside yourself."

As often happens when I'm listening to a client, I sat back in amazement. In a short six months, her coaching priorities had shifted from learning what to do to reflecting on how to be. She took an honest look in the mirror. And she could acknowledge that she had some growing to do as a person before she could improve her skills as a leader.

Isn't that true for all of us? If we want to strengthen our connections with other human beings, we have to start with ourselves. We need to take an honest inventory of our own attitudes, beliefs, and assumptions. They are the lens through which we view the world and our place in it. Then we need to ask ourselves a few questions. How might my mindset be influencing my behavior? Which mental habits that aren't serving me might I be ready to let go of? What possibilities might open up if I changed my way of thinking?

Our Thoughts Influence Our Behavior

Whether we are aware of it or not, our thoughts exert a powerful influence on our daily choices and reactions to challenges. In the rush of daily life, we may not notice the internal voice that accompanies us through the day. But it's there, continuously analyzing and evaluating. When we are feeling confident, this stream of commentary is benign or maybe even positive in outlook. Some examples after a hard conversation: That wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. Next time I'll do better. She seemed to be thinking about what I said.

On the other hand, when we are stressed or feeling insecure, these internal thoughts can turn judgmental. Some examples: I'm not good at this. That sounded so lame. She might be mad at me. Repetitive negative thought patterns distort our perceptions of our abilities, our worthiness, and our future possibilities. For example: I blew it! I'm a failure. My relationship with her is ruined.

For better and for worse, this inner constellation of thoughts arouses our emotions and affects our behavior. If we think that bringing up a touchy subject with a co-worker is going to be disastrous, we are more likely to feel anxious. We are also less likely to initiate the conversation. On the other hand, if we think that conflict is an opportunity for growth, then we may feel encouraged to reach out and do the hard thing.

Even the most accomplished, high-achieving people can be plagued by self-limiting thought patterns. Many leaders struggle with "imposter syndrome" and report feeling ill-prepared for the interpersonal demands of their positions. They question their capabilities. They judge themselves harshly. They grapple with guilt and anxiety. And sometimes, as a result of these thoughts and emotions, they avoid doing the hard thing they know they need to do.

The client who initially thought that she wasn't able to have hard conversations kept hoping that things would "work themselves out." Then she wouldn't have to provide her direct report with corrective feedback. She worried that it wouldn't be well received. As time went on, though, she could see that her refusal to speak up was saying more about her than it was about the other person. She needed to change first, by acknowledging the ways her thoughts were constraining her behavior, before she could guide her employee toward change.

Thoughts Can Be Changed with Practice

There is good news for all of us. We can change our thoughts. And by doing so, we can change our behavior. By learning to challenge negative, self-limiting thoughts, we begin to reclaim the power to choose how we show up. Don't believe every judgment your brain broadcasts on your private channel. A thought is just a thought. It might be loud, but that doesn't make it true.

Learn to pause, reflect, and question. Did I really blow it? Is it possible that her silence doesn't mean that she hates me? In that moment of reflection, emotions can calm, and possibilities can present themselves. Maybe she just needs time to process what I said. Maybe the relationship isn't ruined. From this neutral, regulated brainspace, plans can be formulated. I can check in with her tomorrow. I'll ask her what she needs to move forward.

Dedicating time in the workday for reflection and self-regulation is a habit worth forming. It might be on the drive to work, in the first 30 minutes in the office, during a mid-day walk, at the close of business, or on the drive home. Wherever it lands, practice tuning in to your thoughts. Unplug. Turn off the external noise, and take a mental inventory. Ask yourself: What has my inner voice been chattering about today? How have those thoughts affected my mood, my energy level, my attention to the moment, my willingness to take a risk or try something new? Which thoughts might I be willing to challenge? What possibilities might I invite by thinking differently?

Raising your awareness of how your mindset is influencing your behavior is an investment in your personal and professional development. That mindset may also be interfering with your leadership. A regular practice of reflection will improve your ability to catch negative thoughts in real time, correct course, and choose how to respond in the moment. Viktor Frankl, the Austrian psychiatrist and Holocaust survivor, is credited with saying "Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and freedom." This way of being, acting intentionally rather than automatically, is the foundation of skillful leadership.

A primary responsibility for any leader in today's fast-paced, ever-changing workplace is fostering growth in themselves and others. Sometimes that means learning a new skill. Sometimes that means taking on extra responsibilities. Sometimes it means developing the inner resources to bring your best self to a really hard conversation.

Often it means that as the leader, you go first. Lead from within by prioritizing your own development as a person. Then you'll be better able to help your people rise to the challenge of the moment.